Juggling Then, When & Now

I almost slid completely off the back end of the treadmill today.

It was a reminder: “Pay attention to what you’re doing now, Susan.” It’s one of the reasons why the shutoff clip is on the machine in the first place.

I’ve mentioned previously how I listen to KPop when I’m running. (2017 has been a great year- Michael Choi is running a nice poll of The 50+ Best Kpop Songs of 2017 on Ranker.com if you’re interested in sampling a bit.) Music was the key to get me to exercise regularly. With rhythms that beg to be followed and variety in style and message, KPop keeps me focused and distracts me from wallowing in the bits I dislike. I need help with both.

My mind still manages to wander, however. 

Today, I was chugging along, nothing fancy. My goal was to just get a run in without stopping- I’ve been having problems with that lately. Despite that goal and the music’s call, I started thinking about other things. Writing topics. Speech scripts. What to do during winter break. The kitchen repainting I’ve just started.

That’s when it happened. My attention wavered and I slowed. Suddenly, all the tread was ahead of me and I sensed my back foot was hovering over air and not rubber. I scrambled to regain my footing and advanced back to the control panel. What a perfect example of a well-known fact:

Multitasking leads to a drop in quality.

We’re all struggling every day, juggling care for our bodies, minds and spirits and interacting with a bunch of other people doing the same. That’s tough enough. When we add our worries of both the past and the future, it can become a tornado we become lost in. The job at hand stays the same; we are the ones who affect the outcome by leaving the moment.

Mindfulness allows us to truly experience our lives.

Mindfulness: immersing in the current moment completely, unmoved by judgement. My extra thoughts of what happened before or what could happen in the future led to a reduction of my current physical speed. My mind left my body in the dirt. I clearly wasn’t exercising as intently nor was I even enjoying the music filling the air around me as I typically would (sorry, Super Junior!). Or as I should.

It wasn’t a catastrophe. It was just a little blip. However, those blips can add up over time. What are the other treadmill slips happening over the course of our days?

We have right now. 

We have what’s around us and what we are. Now. We have the breath coming into our bodies and the gust as we exhale it back out again. That’s it, but it can be amazing if focus on it and really feel it.

A long series of well-experienced “Now”s can lead to a lifetime of growth, learning, and happiness. The “Then”s and “When”s won’t.

Stretching and Flexing to Thrive

Tuesday is usually a lift day for me.

This week, I decided to just stretch. It’s been awhile since I put some gentle, flowing music on (Michael Fesser's RelaxDaily is one of my favorites) and just went with where the music would lead me. No reps, no challenges, no pressure.

I began slowly, warming the joints with easy motions. It felt good to reach high and arch my arms through the air. I went back to some yoga poses and some felt tugs and resistance. It didn’t matter. The music was setting the tone: relax.

I held poses. I breathed and balanced. I shifted from one focus to another and then back again. Yoga instructors encourage you to feel your stretches become deeper. Yesterday, I experienced that once again. I felt my hips and back relax and and I sank. Blissfully, I sighed, and eventually my hands wrapped around the soles of my feet, peacefully.

We get so caught up in the daily grind: in our days and in our expectations. We become locked in and driven. That can lead to success. Yet, it can also lead to a loss. Our eyesight and mindset tunnel and we become oblivious to other truths and realities. My run today felt a bit better- perhaps the change I did yesterday has something to do with that.

Whether it’s our bodies or our minds, if we maintain some flexibility, we can more readily adjust to what life throws at us. If we demand a certain framework every single day, we miss the beauty of flow, growth and the thrill of exploration and discovery.

I stretched and yet, I know I can stretch more. I know I can reach out more.

Why do the grasses, bamboo and willows flourish? Yes, the flex. But their roots also take in those messages from above and reach further to the ground to help the plant survive. We can do the same. We grow. We experience. We adapt. We succeed.

What can we do to stretch and flex a bit more tomorrow? Let’s pick something and give it a try.

One Year of Becoming

We joke about how much can change in a year. My life is a case in point.

My first blog ever was published on July 31, 2016- just over a year ago. That piece earned a whopping 6 views! I had no idea what I was doing. The biggest accomplishment in that case was the very act of putting it out there. At 45 years old, I was finally done with beating myself up over whether or not I had any right or talent to write. I told that voice it wasn’t in charge anymore. After almost a ½ century of living, I’d finally decided I couldn’t listen to it anymore and I would listen to the other inner voice saying “Do it. Just...write what you feel.”

I was something. I was becoming something.

At the time, I was working part-time. For 5 years, I had immersed myself in the amazing world of elementary education. I was an educational assistant. I was a mom. I was a wife. I was a type 1 diabetic.

Earlier in the summer, I had started to run. I was becoming a runner. I had started to lift weights and dance. I was becoming healthier. I had started listening to new music. I was becoming a Kpop fan. I had started to write. I was becoming a writer.

The only constant in life is change, as they say.

Next, I started to explore Twitter. I am becoming a regular. I started collaborating with a photographer friend. I am becoming an author now by publishing my own book, Dear Teachers, and seeking to do it again. I am starting to reach out to more experts in education to introduce myself and my work. I am exploring and dreaming of more.

I estimate I’ve written over 100,000 words over the last year. I’ve connected with over 1,000 people on Twitter. I’ve gratefully seen over 130 of my books go out to amazing people both near and far. I’ve posted 85 essays on my blog and they have been viewed on 6 continents over 7,000 times.

I was. I am. I am becoming. I will become.

I started with nothing and am only 1 of 7 billion other people. I’m not writing this for compliments. I’m writing this as a reminder to myself and anyone else who finds my words: we can all change and grow over time. If we stumble or lose, we can find something (or someone) new or find what we lost again in another place and time. If we don’t give up.

I desperately want to earn a living writing and speaking. I desperately seek to be a voice of community and opportunity. I desperately wish to be a spark of light by writing not only for those in education, but for those with type 1 diabetes. I have other ideas to explore.  I’m not there yet. But I have hope, though.

Let’s all try to move forward with that: hope.

We All Need Rhythm

I have been working on another book, tentatively titled Dear Warriors, as a guided journal for those of us with type 1 diabetes. I wanted to post a rough draft of one piece to give readers a sense of the editing process. I remembered writing a blog post on a similar topic called Fast Enough to Get There and would love to hear your thoughts & suggestions. Does one speak more to you? Why?

Clockwork- Rhythm

I noted in a previous essay that I was glad to have more flexibility in handling the many facets of diabetes as was possible even 20 years ago. Now I’m going to make a testimony on the benefits of rhythm.

Sunrise, sunset. Hours tick by: tick tock tick. Sometimes we can get so frustrated with the speed or slowness of time that we lose sight of a simple fact:

We can use time to our advantage.

I started running in the summer of 2016. I started despite the activity itself. I didn’t like the idea, nor think it even possible to, run. Miles? You must be joking.

I began with a song that naturally stirred me to move (BigBang’s Seungri’s What Can I Do?). 3:40 of running? Don’t be absurd. Try 30 seconds. Then walk another 30. Repeat. And once more. Wow. I just ran for 1:30! I continued, walking, in celebration for the rest of the trail.

The next time, I had a 5-song playlist. I told myself to just walk and feel the rhythm. With the help of an app, I was cajoled to pick up the pace and really follow that music’s beat with my whole body. I sang along in my head. I sang aloud to the sky. OK, actually, I gasped. I matched my feet, breath and arms to the cadence pumping into my ears. Time finally started to pass.

I’m not telling you to run. I’m giving you a reminder that anyone, even me, can find a rhythm. Something that works for you. My beat is not your beat. It can cover anything in your day: when you eat, how you eat, when you sleep, when you move.

You decide. Again and again.

Chances are, you may have to tweak your rhythm as you discover what really excites and drives you. That’s another gift of embracing rhythm: you quickly see what works and does not for you. You get the opportunity of filling your days more and more with what matters most to you. All because you follow a rhythm and embrace its magic.

Fast Enough to Get There

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

I never thought I’d run. You hear stories of magical transformations that occur when people do but I never thought I’d become one of them. I honestly like running. It was uncomfortable at first and sometimes painful, but no more. It’s not like I go crazy distances and I doubt I’ll run in any real races. But what I’ve achieved so far seemed completely impossible in the beginning.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

Music was essential. Yes, BigBang and BTS. Distract me with hot rhythms to follow and singers to imagine- ANYTHING to get me through the next 30 seconds. My mind came up with countless reasons to quit and tried repeatedly to convince my body to stop. It just KNEW trying was fruitless and I had to drown out that voice. The playlist I created grew bit by bit as my distance did.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

Music is still my key. I’m a natural denizen in my brain- I could live there spinning yarns forever without paying a whit of attention to my body if my body didn’t complain loudly of neglect. Music helps me balance body and mind. The messages told by the musicians’ manipulations of their bodies fuel me as I manipulate my own. Powerful notes can lead to powerful strides.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

Inclines and declines. The rhythm changes as I adjust to different conditions. Now, I’m no longer clinging desperately to time, distance or the tunes. I’m rolling with them all and anticipating what comes next with the movement of my whole body. My mind is now a bit freer. It can chew on some other things during the process as the miles tick by or just sit there and enjoy the view.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

I test my blood sugar before I run. I test it again afterwards. I have glucose tablets at the ready in case something goes wrong. Of course, I also have the requisite water bottle and towel. I’ve adjusted well to treadmill running over the winter but I’m definitely looking forward to my first real season of outdoor running, despite the encumbrances of being a T1D runner.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

A T1D runner. A runner. I just called myself a runner! I look in the mirror and see a body changed by the miles. The weights I’ve added have also started to hone it a bit more. Sometimes I want to chide myself about what I could have done had I started this years ago, but I stop that thought. It took a crazy-long journey to get me to this point. I am here now.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

We each have a trail we must take. Some are straight and clear. Others more winding and relaxed. Still others are so cloaked in mists of the unknown that it takes bravery, ignorance or blind faith to walk it. I have a hard time describing my own trail, but I know one thing for sure: it’s one fueled by a myriad of choices and opportunities, flavored by fate. And I am grateful for it.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

Life’s a journey we should never say never to.

Hope. Possibilities. Determination.

7 more days.

There are just 7 more sunrises and sunsets for us in 2016 (it's already Saturday for some). There will be countless analyses of the year, but I’ll just say it’s a fair bet we all had a rather wild ride. Being the contrarian, I’m going to throw this out there:

I think I’m closer to my true self spiritually, physically and mentally because of 2016 and am grateful for it.

I left a job I’d loved and held for over 5 years. That process was excruciatingly painful. However, as I look at the messages I received from students and co-workers alike, I have concrete proof that I really affected lives. Instead of just assuming we’re connected, we’ve told each other. And now I have the time to process how each of these people have changed me deep down inside.

This year I also went back to the drawing board regarding my health. At the age of 45, I’ve run over 200 miles- starting in July. That’s crazy to me! 5K Runner walked me (sometimes literally) through the process. I also discovered a love for the current K-pop scene (special thanks to BigBang, BTS, (these are Spotify links: EXO and VIXX))  to fuel my runs and rediscovered joy in dance and weightlifting that had sat quietly abandoned for what feels like a lifetime. I feel physically renewed.

This essay is another example of the teutonic shifts in my life in 2016. I had dipped toes into sharing my writing in 2015 but this year, I leaped in. My mind has been on fire with ideas to explore. To date, I’ve received over 1000 blog views of my essays and most importantly, these are hits from around the world. The US, France, China, Colombia, South Korea. Thank you to everyone who has read my work!!!! It’s possible people from 4 continents have read what I’ve written and maybe something has clicked with them. That’s my hope as I drive forward. Next year...10,000 and 6 continents?

Hope. Possibilities. Determination.

Those things haven’t died for me in 2016. Heaven knows we have incredible pain and suffering to deal with in all directions. I look at my kids and wonder what they are inheriting. And yet, I’m not giving up. The human mind is too tenacious and creative. The soul is too deep and the cries for action are too strong to just fly up into the ether and be lost.

We have 7 more days.

Then, we have...a new sunrise.

Let's use them all!

Hitting the Wall

I cried today.

It was a great morning. My husband and I drove to a local park for a 3 mile run. I was plugged into some great music. The pace was great and the woods and trail were inviting. Quick smiles and greetings were traded with the others along the leaf-strewn path. I was confident: I had this down.

I’d been diagnosed with bronchitis earlier this month and I thought I had conquered it. Today, my legs felt strong and my whole body was moving easily but about a mile in, the lungs started to rattle.

My matching pace became a lagging behind pace. Then a “I’ll catch up in a bit” pace. Then the terrain and wheezing just became too much and I dropped to a walk as I watched him pull further and further ahead. The growing heaviness in my chest was only partially my chunked up lungs. I don’t recommend a cry-baby moment at a time like this. But there I went.

I went because I hate failing but I seem to do it again and again.

Hubby looked back several times- don’t get me wrong. I may have tried to hide my tears and call out that I’d meet him back at the car- I’ve been known for moments of pigheaded pride like that. I stubbornly marched alone, falling further and further into my funk.

Being the generally good guy that he is, he came back on his own and put his arm around my shoulder. He spoke encouraging words: it was a hard trail, you’ve been sick, you tried your best. He asked why I was crying.

I had to admit that I was frustrated with myself. I’ve been keeping my T1D under control. I wasn’t failing because of that. Now it was another part of my body thwarting me. Seemingly laughing at me as it waved its ability to stop me one way or another in my face.

Once I admitted it, his words could sink in. He reminded me that a guy running in the opposite direction had smiled broadly at each of us and shouted “You’re doing great! Keep it up!”. I hadn’t been able to hear it at the time and I couldn’t blame it all on Vixx.

I felt like I failed but in reality, I only did less than what I envisioned as success. If I switched my perspective, I succeeded in ways that I hadn’t even considered. Time outside. Time with my spouse. Time exchanging positive words with him and others. Time acknowledging where I’m at and time accepting the goodness of it.

I’ll get back on the trail soon. I can’t stop trying.

Not...Yet.

Thanks to Teespring for this shirt that keeps popping up on my Facebook feed. Folks that know me know that I’ve been lured into buying novel t-shirts quite a bit this year. I’ve managed to resist this one, but I do have a story to tell about it.

Through some strange alignment of my chakras or planets or something, I’ve actually started to get in pretty good shape this year. I’ve have Type 1 Diabetes since 1994 and given birth to 2 amazing boys so I’ve had my share of food regimes and drives to keep moving, but this is different. I’ve actually started running.

I never thought I’d be able to stay on a treadmill for 3 miles.  I’m still working on *really* running- you know- on paths. In sunlight. Up hills you can’t hit a button to reduce the incline on. But when I first started a Couch to 5K program, this t-shirt’s message screamed “YES!!!!” to me. I honestly didn’t think I would be able to finish my goal. I sat and read through much of my childhood. I had tried this running thing once before as an adult and ended up with shin splints that shut me down completely. I’m in my 40s- I deserve to kick back and relax for a while, right?

Sometimes, life is like that. Sometimes, it really does hurt all over and you can’t do it. What if it’s just that you’re meant to do something else instead? Perhaps it’s just not time for this goal...yet.

I’ve juggled these pins (my mind, my body, my food, my insulin, my exercise) countless times already. They have been both my guardians and my demons over the years. I’ve cursed each and every one of them at some point. Right now, we’re all agreeing to follow a common contract- I can’t pinpoint a specific part of the puzzle that sealed the deal. I’d like to think my boys in BigBang might have been part of it. Lol! I’m just grateful and hoping we can all just keep getting along as we are for a good long while.

We each face obstacles along the way. Some return again and again. We can’t give up but we can cut ourselves some slack when a goal pulls away from our reach- when it hurts all over and we feel like dying. Life might be telling us to go somewhere else and do something else first. What might happen if we’re open to “Not...Yet”?