Another Turn

Reading my essay from the beginning of 2023 was difficult. So much has changed. Damn that “letting go” thing.


We ended Owen’s life on January 6. When I wrote last year’s essay, he was still with us and I said we were trying to hear what he wanted. His last months and the aftermath were both an honor and an emotional tsunami to survive. For the time he couldn’t quite do it for himself, I carried him outside, cleaned him, pet him, and we all loved him and circled up when it was time to bury the shell he left behind. That cat never gave up going downstairs to use his litter box. When I found him struggling to make the journey, I felt I wanted to let him go with his dignity more than I wanted to cling to his precious soul. Was his voice in there, too? Maybe someday I’ll know. The pain of loss is no longer raw but still catches me at times. We put his body into the ground and in the spring we adorned his grave with 13 ginger plants. Finding catnip left during the year by other members of the family let me know they have felt his loss, too. He was and forever will be, family.


My written goal on my Twitter account for 2023 was to work on moving the mic to others who haven’t had it.


I terminated my account on Formerly-Known-As-Twitter in 2023 and that was another big change for me. I’d made it a habit to use my profile page there to establish for myself and the world what my goal for the year was. While it was never perfect, the turns that platform has made since the new guy in management took over drove me away. That stage is not a place to be right now, in my opinion. Some people from around the globe who had become somehow dear to me are no longer in my world anymore because of that change. It’s strangely painful when I stop to think about it. However, if I send them loving energy into the vast cosmos, I hope it finds them somehow. I can find new and sustaining relationships near and far through other means. I know that truth now.


There’s that letting go thing, again.


What do I see when I think of 2024?

For one thing, 2024 is going to be about fledging: getting big enough wings to fly.

Our youngest son will go away for college in the fall if all goes as we see now.


I will nurture (with a lot of help) a garden into existence big enough to substantially support 3 high schools if all goes as we see now.


I will get into a system of self-care that will see me remain pain-free but develop a return to better food choices, glucose management, and strength/cardio characteristics if all goes as I see now. My body has been handling the carrying of excess weight surprisingly well but it’s time for me to see if my next evolution can pull away from the lures of the flesh a bit and fly a bit further and farther before it’s time for this me to rest. Will my rainbow aura expand and brighten even more? I can hope.


I got a second tattoo in 2023. In 2021, I decided to honor the evolution I'd undergone to that point with my first which finally happened in early 2022. I may have physically been stronger through those previous years, but my insides had been an absolute mess. The messages and atmosphere of BTS played a big role in my growth. As did friends. And COVID. And a host of other things. It’s all represented in that first tattoo, which faces me as a daily message to myself:

"I’m good enough. Face the world with your head up. Speak your truths. Love yourself. You’re not alone and you are much, much stronger than you think you are because of that."

This second tattoo crawls down the length of my left forearm making it easily shareable with others because it’s a message to the world. It's my chosen message to the world. I heard this phrase during the Grammys, I believe, and it was spoken by an Indian award winner. He said it was part of his religious tradition and its truth screamed at me as he joyously proclaimed, “The world is one family!”

The world…is one family. Wow.

My 2024 will be grounded in that wondrous idea and what it really means. What if we lived everything grounded in that short declaration? It’s incredibly humbling and awe-inspiring to me to consider. The term “family” has always had a bitter current running through it for me so this use helps me work through that. I had the tattoo artist add a bumblebee and dandelion to the phrase. The insects are my family. The weeds are my family. And yours! And I am yours! That darn yellow flower has haunted me for years with its messages:

"I’m a weed. But I feed others. I birth seeds that can fly to far places. I survive. We survive."

 

They are all my family and I am theirs.

So, my goals for 2024 are ones of flying and acknowledging more and more family. Nothing really new for me from the last few years, but It’s another turn on the theme. I feel a fullness of hope and anticipation for a new year, which are both actually rather new for me. In 2023, I wanted to witness. This year, I want to jump in.

It's time for another turn.

Borahae 2022

Every year I create a new Twitter bio to reflect my life focus for the upcoming 12 months. It’s time once again and I just read through my 2020 to 2021 thoughts.


Wow.

Here’s my 2021 Twitter bio:







So...how’d I do on what I wanted to accomplish in 2021?

“ONE BOAT: Nationally, we need massive efforts on multiple fronts: public health, social justice, green economy, education, infrastructure, and health care. Covid is top, but the others are vitally connected. By the end of 2021, I just want to see some progress on all these. We didn’t get here overnight. We won’t get out of it overnight, either. Dr. Richardson was a reminder to me of that truth and I hope to read one of her books this year to further my understanding.”

I didn’t read any of HCR’s books but I do see some progress in public health, social justice, green economy, and infrastructure. George Floyd’s murderer was found guilty. We have vaccines in about half our population. Infrastructure got some money. But we don’t have BBB and our voting rights are under attack.

“REAL PEOPLE AND THE PLANET: We need to show we care about both. That we need to care for both. It's not about years old customs and stock prices.”

This one…is still a dream. Build Back Better and other work need to be put into place to walk us toward what we say are our ideals- that this is the land of opportunity for all. We (all humans and species) ALL deserve healthy food, water, shelter, and space to the best of our communal abilities.

“STAY ENGAGED: To that end, I want to see an expanding political/societal participation by all the people at all levels- especially state and local. Volunteering somewhere. Supporting candidates. Talking with family and friends. Attending meetings as a citizenry. It’s important. Unfortunately, our problems are so big,many can’t do much more than try to survive. Those who can, should.”

My 2021 Verbostratis is filled with copies of letters to school boards and political leaders. I’ve joined meetings and a great book club. I’ve talked and I’ve written. I’m proud of not backing down and feel compelled to forge on in 2022.

“Personally, I just want us all to feel a little safer- to not feel like everything's hanging by a thread. That's #1. Then, I’d love to work with others and earn some sort of reward in return- money, food, other? Keeping busy would also help me shed some of those pandemic pounds. I’d love my kids to get back into society and the oldest to get a job and his driver’s license. A nature-based retreat sounds delightful: I want stars, water, and living stuff. And a bustling gathering of friends with great food, music, and drinks would be a dream come true. That's it. Well, that and finally see BTS again live.”

Except for the first line, I have achieved this entire paragraph. I feel less safe today than January 2021 and it’s not because of the current administration. I have found a new way to work with others, my children have rejoined the world, and our oldest has gotten a job and his driver’s licence. And though it did take until December, I was gloriously and joyfully able to see BTS again live. This time with a friend in a new environment I never dreamed I’d be a part of.

What about 2022?

KEEP EXPANDING MY AWARENESS OF THIS WORLDWIDE WEB OF LIFE

It’s a never-ending journey of discoveries and realizations: this person and I share X, that organism gives me Y, this element connects me with that, this country reminds me of that country but that other country has a really cool and different way of doing this.

KEEP STRETCHING MY HEART AND POSITIVE ACTIONS

Connected to the first goal, not only do I have to see connections, I have to process/internalize them and answer the question, “So, what am I going to do to participate in this?” As an example. in 2021, I began exploring a better understanding of Indigenous peoples of Wisconsin past, present, and future. In answer to that question I’m posing- “So, what am I going to do to participate in this?”, I gladly accepted and began practicing Land Acknowledgements when I am out in our natural world. I remember wherever I step, there are peoples who were stewards of this land long before me.

JUST KEEP GOING

Chunks of me are exhausted- at some levels it’ll be good enough to me to simply keep putting one foot in front of the other. It’s a common problem today and by saying it out loud, I weaken the power of the lure to give up.

I PURPLE YOU/BORAHAE/보라해

According to Urban Dictionary, “Kim Taehyung a.k.a. V of BTS gave a new meaning to the word purple. Purple means love, trust and loyalty. So technically if someone tells you "I purple you", that someone is saying "I'll trust you, love you, support you, and be loyal to you until my last breath".”


Using a purple heart tells the reader you trust, love, and support both yourself and them. I can’t think of anything better in life, whether applied to people or anything else on this planet.


Here’s to 2022.




보라해.

2020 to 2021

Oh, 2020. You little rascal. You got us all with your little surprises. I wrote about my hopes for you on January 1, in an essay called Peeping into 2020.


I’ve not been one to make resolutions, but my Twitter profile has become a place that sums me and my efforts in 160 characters or less. Revising it annually has become a fun practice. Here are my 2018 and 2019 ones:






And here’s my 2020.



It’s evolved a bit over the year- which is not something I’ve done before- all thanks to what 2020 ended up being and how I responded to it. I added the she/her. I switched my photo a couple of times- at one point I was so upset at the US political landscape I changed my photo to a picture of a tree stump roughly cut by a chainsaw. My pinned tweet became not a plug to sell my books, but to remind myself and others of my involvement in this country’s problems (more on that to follow).


In 2020, I had hoped to write about and learn new ways to present information on how we humans are amazingly linked to each other and to our natural surroundings. I had visions of officially studying and exploring first-hand in my own life and environment the types of connections I had read about in Peter Wohlleben’s The Hidden Life of Trees or Robin Wall Kimmerer’s Braiding Sweetgrass in 2019. I pictured filling myself and those I was privileged enough to teach with wondrous examples of these amazing truths and being inspired to project that new understanding into imagining and building a more unified and beautiful future for us all. I imagined bringing people together in closer harmony and understanding to both each other and all the green spaces.

Sometimes, our connections can threaten us or take us down unplanned paths.

Then, a new-to-us microbe living in China leaped into that web of connections and threw our globe into chaos. On top of that, the simmering racial inequities in the US blew up as more Black lives met early deaths at the hands of police. As each country in the world reacted to SARS-CoV2, we learned so many things about worldwide medical and science preparedness and how leaders can cultivate or destroy hope and direction. I saw political affiliation eat away at things I thought everyone could agree upon.

The US’s gutted interest in and means to provide communal needs like public health were dramatically exposed to the world this year.

Some might say this microbe is simply another facet of the world’s connections that we need to adjust to- that some individuals will perish but a new balance will eventually be found overall. Some might say that the loss of certain people or peoples is simply part of that every changing balancing act, too.


Those notions seem way too easy for me to accept. They free us from any responsibility for our choices and actions and that's not right. Cain’s story reminds us we are each other’s keepers. We are, or can be, stewards of all we touch. I think I spoke to that in my Twitter profile when I said “everyone has outside burdens”: we should try to HELP each other because we ALL have burdens. COVID19 became a universally shared one.


2020 hammered home to me that I need to be even more inclusive- my long-term belief in us being stronger together? For all my unity fervor (how many times have I typed "we're stronger together"?), I could do way more thinking, speaking, and writing to promote and argue for that truth. I will do so in 2021. Learning of historian Heather Cox Richardson this year has been an incredibly positive thing for me as she is able to wonderfully describe where we are politically and how we got here. Her social media and others have opened my view on how many people are on this path to understanding. Folks like Robert Reich and Stacey Abrams give pointers on what we can do about it all.

It’s ALL connected. WE are all connected. And NONE of us is more or less “human”.

Political sectarianism has settled into the US and I struggle against siloing or vilifying myself. In 2021, I pledge to speak up and stand up, but to also gut-check. Am I shaming or finding commonalities? Am I escalating a situation or cultivating space for us all to work through some stuff? I’m looking back at my experience with PlayWorks and places like tolerance.org for inspiration.


What could that look like?


“I hear you say…” Truly listen.

“I see you…” Validate.

“I also like…” Connect.

“What are your three favorite foods?” De-escalate.

“I’m interested in our success together…” Extend that hand.

“What if we…” Collaborate.

“Let’s table this for now.” Walk away from conflict.

What exactly do I hope for in 2021?

Here's my 2021 Twitter:

ONE BOAT: Nationally, we need massive efforts on multiple fronts: public health, social justice, green economy, education, infrastructure, and health care. Covid is top, but the others are vitally connected. By the end of 2021, I just want to see some progress on all these. We didn’t get here overnight. We won’t get out of it overnight, either. Dr. Richardson was a reminder to me of that truth and I hope to read one of her books this year to further my understanding.REAL PEOPLE AND THE PLANET: We need to show we care about both. That we need to care for both. It's not about years old customs and stock prices. 

STAY ENGAGED: To that end, I want to see an expanding political/societal participation by all the people at all levels- especially state and local. Volunteering somewhere. Supporting candidates. Talking with family and friends. Attending meetings as a citizenry. It’s important. Unfortunately, our problems are so big, many can’t do much more than try to survive. Those who can, should.


Personally, I just want us all to feel a little safer- to not feel like everything's hanging by a thread. That's #1. Then, I’d love to work with others and earn some sort of reward in return- money, food, other? Keeping busy would also help me shed some of those pandemic pounds. I’d love my kids to get back into society and the oldest to get a job and his driver’s license. A nature-based retreat sounds delightful: I want stars, water, and living stuff. And a bustling gathering of friends with great food, music, and drinks would be a dream come true. That's it. Well, that and finally see BTS again live. 


Here’s to a 2021 that sustains us. May we find ourselves more grounded by what we do and experience in the next 12 months. May we be open to fully experiencing all of it, but also able to not cling to any of it. It's the breathing of life that's crucial to our growth and development. 



Peace!

Together We Can Get Through This...We Can Do Anything

I have recently been listening to a playlist of BTS group and member collaboration songs from over the years. For a good overview, Michele Mendez recently wrote All Of BTS' Collaboration Songs Prove They Can Tackle Any Musical Genre in Elite Daily and included links and short descriptions of the top 20. I picture everyone involved in these projects as learning from each other and growing to become both better artists and people.


That’s the hope and potential available, anyway.

RM’s late 2017 collaboration Champion with Fall Out Boy has struck me hard lately. I touched briefly on my appreciation for his Wale one that year in When’s it Gonna Change? Right Now. I never explored Champion but I should have. They relate: cynicism, disillusionment, hope, and self-affirmation to build something new are all mixed up in both these songs.

Along with one overriding truth: relying on each other will benefit us all.

This fact is especially poignant in 2020 as we are mired in the SARS-CoV-2 global pandemic. Can we all be “champions” by getting through this?

For me, “Champion” started as a strongly angry, angst-ridden rock tune that grew with the additional lyrics by RM and the influx of electronic-pop and rap elements. The flesh RM adds to the body of the song gives more depth to the reasons why there are both such anger and such determination to overcome it.


RM raps:

Have you ever felt how hard it is to be an anybody
To be living, to be breathing, not choosing a dead body
Remember, the man told me that this life is a party
Yeah, all the glory's so short you should put away the garbages
Normal ain't normal, ordinary is a luxury
People say "Woo, pessimism" what the other mean?
If you wanna understand, you stand under
This shit is vital, respect to the mothers and fathers
What's wrong with the life of a passenger
If somebody gotta be, then I'mma be the messenger
I'm just too young, don't know what to believe in
But too young, you know, not to be living
I will stay, I will wait and I'll fight like a king
Even though I can forever ever be a king
I will marry this goddamn world, by my own
And put myself on a goddamn ring

He lists the hardships bluntly: that youth or lack of connections and power can make success seem impossible, but he’s willing to try hard and put the ring of success on himself by getting himself in the ring to fight.


Patrick Stump sings:

And I'm back with a madness
I'm a champion of the people who don't believe in champions
I got nothing but dreams inside
I got nothing but dreams

To me, he’s saying that even if the people have given up hope in champions because of hardships, the concept of and truth that a “Champion” exists is not necessarily lost just because people don’t believe. There are those who can fulfill that role if they act on the dreams they have inside. What a message for 2020!

I also love how the song plays with the concept of defining the term “champion”. RM describes 3 levels of existence:

“Somebody” is those we normally look up to but are they worthy of that respect?
“Anybody” is a person living the best they can, so perhaps truly worthy of respect.
“Dead body” is a person dead on the inside, who’s truly pitiful.

I have felt at times in my life that if I didn’t have a fire inside me telling me things are wrong and could be better, life would be easier. I have felt that if I were able to just put my head down and work within the system I find myself, I could be really successful- a champion of some sort. I haven’t been able to do that because making myself into someone else's image has made me feel dead inside. 

This what I think of when Patrick sings:

got rage every day, on the inside
The only thing I do is sit around and kill time
I'm trying to blow out the pilot light, I'm trying to blow out the light

To me, the pilot light is that inner voice telling me to try to fix things that cause the rage. If he or I could snuff it out, we’d have less internal conflict and just do what’s expected. Others have interpreted that differently. That inner turmoil of rage at the status quo and the desire to not feel compelled to try to fix it is summed up in his next lines:

I'm just young enough to still believe, still believe
But young enough not to know what to believe in
Young enough not to know what to believe

To me, he’s saying he KNOWS there’s a way- a better way. He KNOWS there’s a chance for something good- something better. There’s just so much fear and resistance out there and perhaps inside too, he doesn’t know if he has the strength to try.

BUT...if he does. If I do. If WE do...

If I can live through this
If I can live through this
If I can live through this

I can do anything

That’s why this song is speaking to me now. 2020 is a cliff in so many ways. So many things could happen as a result of what we choose to do.

Public health, social justice, civil rights, education, health care, mental health care, environment, gun control, economic development…what if we reach out to one another across the country and around the globe like these artists who collaborate to build bigger and better art?

If we can live through this
If we can live through this
If we can live through this

We can do anything

Respecting Re-Specting Respect

BT21 Characters by RM & Suga

What do you think of when you hear the word "respect"?

What message do you really want to convey when you say “I respect you.”?

I absolutely love the history and evolution of language- and it’s important to realize that it’s moving all the time. 

When a musical artist uses a second language, it allows natives of that language to see their words in a different light. BTS songs allow that to be a two-way street: I can learn about Korean from my English perspective; they can examine English from a Korean one. We both benefit. I’ve included an English translation of the BTS song Respect (from Map of the Soul: 7) to explore this a bit more. I also looked at Lemoring’s youtube translation for help. First, respect to the fans who use sites like genius.com and YT to do these translations and the reflections they attach. It helps so many of us learn. It’s awesome to have so many brains available, noting references to other songs and discussing the Korean idioms used and their equivalents. Notions are voted up and down, creating more accurate reports. I hope you take a look at the page.

I have italicized the lines of the song that are performed in Korean. As you’ll see, RM and Suga rap in an awesome mix of both languages. They use whatever works best for both the situation and intent.

Moving on, in the paragraph above the last I used “respect” to mean “kudos” to or “appreciation” for fans. This use may have been the starting point for BTS in this song. “Respect” has become a slang or short used both in South Korea and elsewhere in everyday conversation to mean these things. “nowadays this word floats around me”. They are questioning this use- they are arguing that it might be pretty hollow or shallow.

So RM dives into the Latin basis for the word, which is really cool to me:

Re-spect: Look at. Again. And again. 

“Look again and again and you'll see faults

But you still want to keep looking, despite of that”

He’s remarking that we SHOULD look at something over and over again. Do we really respect the person or thing being examined? We should put the effort in to look closely. And keep looking. Powerful, powerful stuff!

Today, I see the connections of inspecting and re-specting all our systems: social justice, civil justice, criminal justice, political, medical, environmental, mental health care, educational- and doing the same regarding our leaders. The massive success of thousands of youth and young-at-hearts signing up to attend the June 20 Trump rally with no intention of attending was, to me, an example of re-specting. We can’t give up- we must forge ahead and work. We need a lot more of this to be able to truly respect our ideals, what we have, and who we are.

RM seems to mirror this idea that respect is a vital part of human life that and we always need to be working on ourselves:

“You'll need that perfect belief towards someone (Ayy, ayy)

So I can't get myself to easily say

The weight and thickness of it is vague

I hope someday I can confidently say it

And mean it when I do, to you and to me, huh”

RM is admitting he is reluctant to either use the term toward someone else or have it applied to himself. I love the phrase “the weight and thickness of it is vague”. That’s delicious thinking to me. Words have weight and thickness. 

Verse 2 is performed by Suga, who is the oldest group member of BTS. He’s addressed as “hyung” and “hyungnim” by RM because of that elder status. To my understanding, in Korean culture, someone older than you is to be addressed with more respect and is to be the leader to follow. A younger man refers to a slightly older one with the term “hyung” this way. The bigger the gap, the more respect needs to be shown to the elder. This includes using different titles, words, and behaviors. It’s another reason why I find this song so interesting. There’s this cultural structure they grew up in, but they want to keep examining themselves and others to decide if they should really “respect” them or themselves. Suga raps:

“To be honest, there's no need for admiration

When there's not even respect

Everyone except you knows people talk shit behind your back

I honestly respect you

You have no intention to respect me so just skip it

Respect, I respect you

Applause to that pal who speak ill while smiling”

Suga is not assuming the dominance his culture appears to automatically give him in regards to RM. He’s calling out a general tendency to adore someone to their faces but then pour hate on them when no one’s looking. The translation help on Genius on “talk shit behind your back” was really interesting to me. The Korean phrasing used relates to an old story where a wife secretly ate pumpkin seeds and tried to hide it from her husband. She didn’t get away with it because he either found the empty shells she hid or saw them after she pooped them out. Shells don’t get digested. Truth comes out.

The fact that Suga is saying he respects RM is big. It’s real because culturally, I don’t think it’s expected. And while he says he respects RM, and I believe he truly does, he still refers to RM as “kid” and “rascal” in this song. 

The Outro of the song is an adorable, seemingly unscripted conversation all in Korean- as if they are exhausted. They are still confused about the word, but laughing and having fun with each other before deciding that “admiration” is a great synonym. Suga, who is known for having an old-sage type personality, ends up muttering how hard English is in general. To me, it’s also a wry admission that life’s tough and never perfect.

[Intro: RM & sampling]

Re-re-re-respect

Should I go or should I?

Should I, should I go or should I stay?

[Verse 1: RM]

Put your hands in the air

Put your hands in the air

Just like you don't care

Just like you don't care

Ayo SUGA (why?) nowadays this word floats around me

"Respect" but these days I'm confused of its meaning

They say it's said when someone keeps doing something (Why?)

I'm not really sure either, brotha, do ya know?

It's obviously superior than love

Probably a concept that exists at the most superior rank

Out of all the superiors

Isn't that called respect, huh? (what I'm sayin')

"Re-spect" means as it sounds, to literally look again and again

Look again and again and you'll see faults

But you still want to keep looking, despite of that

You'll need that perfect belief towards someone (Ayy, ayy)

So I can't get myself to easily say

The weight and thickness of it is vague

I hope someday I can confidently say it

And mean it when I do, to you and to me, huh

[Refrain 1: Suga, RM]

Please don't say respect easily, yeah

Because even I am not sure, yeah

Sometimes I'm scared of myself

What if the weak me is found out

[Chorus, Suga, RM]

(Respect) Everybody says it so easily

(Respect) Though you don't know what it is

(Respect) Please take a look again

(Respect) One time

(Respect) Two times

(Respect) I won't say it easily

(Respect) Even if I don't know well now

(Respect) One day I'll say it

(Respect) One time

(Respect) Oh yeah

[Verse 2: Suga]

"Respect"- what is it? (What, hyung?)

I don't know, that's why I'm asking, you rascal (Oh, I see)

"Respect"- what even is it?

Why is everyone saying respect

Honestly I can't understand

Admiring someone

Was it something really that easy?

I still can't understand it

To be honest, there's no need for admiration

When there's not even respect

Everyone except you knows people talk shit behind your back

I honestly respect you

You have no intention to respect me so just skip it

Respect, I respect you

Applause to that pal who speak ill while smiling

[Refrain 2: Suga, RM]

(Respect respect)

Hope all the glory and prosperity seep into your life

(Respect respect)

Hope the road in front of you is eternally blessed

(Respect respect)

Money, honor, forward, forward

(Respect respect)

Yes, I respect you, yeah

[Chorus: Suga, RM]

(Respect) Everybody says it so easily

(Respect) Though you don't know what it is

(Respect) Please take a look again

(Respect) One time

(Respect) Two times

(Respect) I won't say it easily

(Respect) Even if I don't know well now

(Respect) One say I'll say it

(Respect) One time

(Respect) Oh yeah

[Outro]

(S) "Aye, do ya know what respect is?"

(RM) "I don't know, hyungnim,"

(S )"I don't know either,"

(Both) "Why is respect this hard?"

(RM)"'Respect', well, is to look again, I don't know,"

(S) "'Respect', what?"

(Both) "'Respect'!"

(RM)"'Admiration'!"

(S) "Kid, I think this is what respect is. Why is English so hard?”

(RM) "I know right?"

Peeping into 2020

I reviewed 2018 in my essay The Mountain That Was 2018, illustrated by the great photography of Brian Crosby. We continue to connect on Twitter and I again asked him if I could use one of his images for this year. I’m grateful for our long-distance friendship! That continuity of connection with others is one facet of 2019’s goodness.

Here are my Twitter profiles for both 2018 and 2019:

2018

2019

I feel the start of a new book in my fingertips- perhaps a biographical/historical one. To me, writing is a need that comes and goes. Perhaps I’m like the nut trees that rest for years and then suddenly, all together, pick a year in which to dump all their reserves into a bumper crop of seeds. (More on that later. 2019 had a lot of connections to the natural world for me- if you haven’t read books like Peter Wohlleben’s The Hidden Life of Trees or Robin Wall Kimmerer’s Braiding Sweetgrass, I recommend checking them out.)

While my writing slowed, I did start a new blog in 2019. Leaf Letters is where I plan on writing about my work at Retzer Nature Center. My writing output was low but while I wrote only 5,500 words in 2019, there was a lot going on in the background. There is value in quiet and I was reminded in 2019 that just when you feel things petering out, it could simply be time to evolve like the caterpillar. Life has to first stop in order to go through metamorphosis to something else.


My "pinkie promise" to myself was that in 2019 I would try every day, using all my parts: body, mind, and spirit. That was a tough sell. At the time, I wanted to go the other way; I wanted to stop trying. The song, Promise, that Jimin from BTS posted on SoundCloud at the end of 2018, includes these lyrics, which compelled me to make my promise and write it down as a reminder to myself:

Now promise me, oh, oh
Several times a day, oh, oh
Even if you feel that you are alone, oh, oh
Don't throw yourself away, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, hold on for a moment
Intertwine our pinkies
And promise me now, oh, oh, oh, oh

In the spring of 2019, I was given a surprise employment opportunity. To say I was shocked and in complete disbelief that I could bring the environmental science that I had loved in my youth together with the more recent experience I’ve gained in the classroom to be a part-time teaching naturalist is a gross understatement. It’s been beautifully surreal. I had almost cleansed my head and house of all this material, as the last 30 years has given me little to suggest I could apply it anywhere for any benefit to self or others: always the bridesmaid, never the bride. I say “almost cleansed”. There were bits of reluctant sadness to this, therefore proof that there was still longing within.


I was both figuratively and literally packing my things away at the beginning of this year. Then, a hand was extended. That thing I’ve been saying for years now, “We’re stronger together”? Yeah, that truth evidenced itself to me in huge ways in 2019. It’s real.


My intention for 2019? It was just want to witness. I wanted to simply be and do in love and hope. Together. I flagged and faltered after the start of the year, but was brought back by others. Intention fulfilled. There were times when I was (or hoped to be) that hand. I thank those friends near and far for allowing me to be there to witness their own struggles.


My 2020? I want to explore the idea that it’s ALL stronger together. I’ve edited my Twitter profile. Check it out and follow if you’d like. I’m even more convinced we’re stronger together. I want to unite more people to both one another and to our natural surroundings.


I ended 2018 with an essay from my book, Dear Warriors, called Enjoying Life Day by Day. It suggested that everything we do on a daily basis can be viewed as tiny pebbles, which add up to the mountains which are the sum of our lives and give others a basis for theirs.


For 2019 and going into 2020, I’m going back to Dear Teachers. Here's an essay illustrated by my friend and fellow author, Marlene Oswald, from her excursions to my new place of work. Please enjoy one of my few poems: Seeing.

Seeing


Hold on a second.
Can you see it?

We can march through life, wrapped up in our worries.
We can rush all about, minds set only on our goals.
We can doggedly move on, determined to get it done.

Hold on a second.
Can you see it?

Through the static of everything around us, something emerges.
Amongst the hustle and bustle a presence makes itself known.
It is the tender spirit of Life gently reminding us of our hearts.

It speaks of sweetness.

Is it the warm hug of a loving student?
Is it a tender word of thanks from a friend?
Is it the grateful smile at home as you open the door?

Thinking of Life’s sweetness,

What do you see?

REFLECTION: My heart sees...

Best wishes to all of us in 2020.