We All Need Rhythm

I have been working on another book, tentatively titled Dear Warriors, as a guided journal for those of us with type 1 diabetes. I wanted to post a rough draft of one piece to give readers a sense of the editing process. I remembered writing a blog post on a similar topic called Fast Enough to Get There and would love to hear your thoughts & suggestions. Does one speak more to you? Why?

Clockwork- Rhythm

I noted in a previous essay that I was glad to have more flexibility in handling the many facets of diabetes as was possible even 20 years ago. Now I’m going to make a testimony on the benefits of rhythm.

Sunrise, sunset. Hours tick by: tick tock tick. Sometimes we can get so frustrated with the speed or slowness of time that we lose sight of a simple fact:

We can use time to our advantage.

I started running in the summer of 2016. I started despite the activity itself. I didn’t like the idea, nor think it even possible to, run. Miles? You must be joking.

I began with a song that naturally stirred me to move (BigBang’s Seungri’s What Can I Do?). 3:40 of running? Don’t be absurd. Try 30 seconds. Then walk another 30. Repeat. And once more. Wow. I just ran for 1:30! I continued, walking, in celebration for the rest of the trail.

The next time, I had a 5-song playlist. I told myself to just walk and feel the rhythm. With the help of an app, I was cajoled to pick up the pace and really follow that music’s beat with my whole body. I sang along in my head. I sang aloud to the sky. OK, actually, I gasped. I matched my feet, breath and arms to the cadence pumping into my ears. Time finally started to pass.

I’m not telling you to run. I’m giving you a reminder that anyone, even me, can find a rhythm. Something that works for you. My beat is not your beat. It can cover anything in your day: when you eat, how you eat, when you sleep, when you move.

You decide. Again and again.

Chances are, you may have to tweak your rhythm as you discover what really excites and drives you. That’s another gift of embracing rhythm: you quickly see what works and does not for you. You get the opportunity of filling your days more and more with what matters most to you. All because you follow a rhythm and embrace its magic.

Fast Enough to Get There

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

I never thought I’d run. You hear stories of magical transformations that occur when people do but I never thought I’d become one of them. I honestly like running. It was uncomfortable at first and sometimes painful, but no more. It’s not like I go crazy distances and I doubt I’ll run in any real races. But what I’ve achieved so far seemed completely impossible in the beginning.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

Music was essential. Yes, BigBang and BTS. Distract me with hot rhythms to follow and singers to imagine- ANYTHING to get me through the next 30 seconds. My mind came up with countless reasons to quit and tried repeatedly to convince my body to stop. It just KNEW trying was fruitless and I had to drown out that voice. The playlist I created grew bit by bit as my distance did.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

Music is still my key. I’m a natural denizen in my brain- I could live there spinning yarns forever without paying a whit of attention to my body if my body didn’t complain loudly of neglect. Music helps me balance body and mind. The messages told by the musicians’ manipulations of their bodies fuel me as I manipulate my own. Powerful notes can lead to powerful strides.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

Inclines and declines. The rhythm changes as I adjust to different conditions. Now, I’m no longer clinging desperately to time, distance or the tunes. I’m rolling with them all and anticipating what comes next with the movement of my whole body. My mind is now a bit freer. It can chew on some other things during the process as the miles tick by or just sit there and enjoy the view.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

I test my blood sugar before I run. I test it again afterwards. I have glucose tablets at the ready in case something goes wrong. Of course, I also have the requisite water bottle and towel. I’ve adjusted well to treadmill running over the winter but I’m definitely looking forward to my first real season of outdoor running, despite the encumbrances of being a T1D runner.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

A T1D runner. A runner. I just called myself a runner! I look in the mirror and see a body changed by the miles. The weights I’ve added have also started to hone it a bit more. Sometimes I want to chide myself about what I could have done had I started this years ago, but I stop that thought. It took a crazy-long journey to get me to this point. I am here now.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

We each have a trail we must take. Some are straight and clear. Others more winding and relaxed. Still others are so cloaked in mists of the unknown that it takes bravery, ignorance or blind faith to walk it. I have a hard time describing my own trail, but I know one thing for sure: it’s one fueled by a myriad of choices and opportunities, flavored by fate. And I am grateful for it.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Pound.

Life’s a journey we should never say never to.

Hope. Possibilities. Determination.

7 more days.

There are just 7 more sunrises and sunsets for us in 2016 (it's already Saturday for some). There will be countless analyses of the year, but I’ll just say it’s a fair bet we all had a rather wild ride. Being the contrarian, I’m going to throw this out there:

I think I’m closer to my true self spiritually, physically and mentally because of 2016 and am grateful for it.

I left a job I’d loved and held for over 5 years. That process was excruciatingly painful. However, as I look at the messages I received from students and co-workers alike, I have concrete proof that I really affected lives. Instead of just assuming we’re connected, we’ve told each other. And now I have the time to process how each of these people have changed me deep down inside.

This year I also went back to the drawing board regarding my health. At the age of 45, I’ve run over 200 miles- starting in July. That’s crazy to me! 5K Runner walked me (sometimes literally) through the process. I also discovered a love for the current K-pop scene (special thanks to BigBang, BTS, (these are Spotify links: EXO and VIXX))  to fuel my runs and rediscovered joy in dance and weightlifting that had sat quietly abandoned for what feels like a lifetime. I feel physically renewed.

This essay is another example of the teutonic shifts in my life in 2016. I had dipped toes into sharing my writing in 2015 but this year, I leaped in. My mind has been on fire with ideas to explore. To date, I’ve received over 1000 blog views of my essays and most importantly, these are hits from around the world. The US, France, China, Colombia, South Korea. Thank you to everyone who has read my work!!!! It’s possible people from 4 continents have read what I’ve written and maybe something has clicked with them. That’s my hope as I drive forward. Next year...10,000 and 6 continents?

Hope. Possibilities. Determination.

Those things haven’t died for me in 2016. Heaven knows we have incredible pain and suffering to deal with in all directions. I look at my kids and wonder what they are inheriting. And yet, I’m not giving up. The human mind is too tenacious and creative. The soul is too deep and the cries for action are too strong to just fly up into the ether and be lost.

We have 7 more days.

Then, we have...a new sunrise.

Let's use them all!

When We Believe, We Do

This essay is inspired by a child's mind.

So, I’ve written repeatedly of my interest in Korean culture. It’s not a unique thing- there’s actually at least one term for it: Koreaboo. Just like there are several levels of interest in Japanese anime (my husband insists he’s an otaku and frowns at weeaboo obsessions), people around the world enjoy learning about and expressing their interest in Korean music, film, food and other cultural expressions. I think whenever cultures touch, it helps ground us as one.

I’ve been enjoying my free time and available tools to check out parts of the scene on the other side of the planet from my cozy home in Wisconsin, USA. Just the other day, I found an Instagram posting of K-pop band BigBang’s member, G-Dragon, hosting a (RED) fundraiser on Omaze to support the purchase of antiviral medications against AIDS.

When I told my 10-year old I could donate to a worthy cause and get a chance to go to Seoul and have a meal with a K-pop star, he paused. Then, he simply said:

“I believe in you. You should follow your dream.”

Wow. OK. This wasn’t the first time he’s given me advice like this. It’s what he told me when I decided to start writing again and publishing my essays in this blog and see where that goes.

Logical Middle-Aged Mom Mind could come up with a laundry list of reasons to scoff at all of this and move on to “reality”. Yet, how unsettling and humbling it is to be given this mental pat on the shoulder and expectant nod to begin like that. You have the green light. Go for it, he’s telling me. I expect you to. With a child’s mind he can see a clear path between opportunity and success with one simple bridging action: believing it could come true by trying.

When we believe, we do.

Whatever it is, when you reach out, you risk getting burned. When you take a chance to speak, to write, to build or to draw something, you send the dice rolling out into the universe. It’s hard. There’s no guarantee whether you’ll succeed or fail.

There is, however, a raw beauty in the process of simply accepting, believing and following your dream.

Not...Yet.

Thanks to Teespring for this shirt that keeps popping up on my Facebook feed. Folks that know me know that I’ve been lured into buying novel t-shirts quite a bit this year. I’ve managed to resist this one, but I do have a story to tell about it.

Through some strange alignment of my chakras or planets or something, I’ve actually started to get in pretty good shape this year. I’ve have Type 1 Diabetes since 1994 and given birth to 2 amazing boys so I’ve had my share of food regimes and drives to keep moving, but this is different. I’ve actually started running.

I never thought I’d be able to stay on a treadmill for 3 miles.  I’m still working on *really* running- you know- on paths. In sunlight. Up hills you can’t hit a button to reduce the incline on. But when I first started a Couch to 5K program, this t-shirt’s message screamed “YES!!!!” to me. I honestly didn’t think I would be able to finish my goal. I sat and read through much of my childhood. I had tried this running thing once before as an adult and ended up with shin splints that shut me down completely. I’m in my 40s- I deserve to kick back and relax for a while, right?

Sometimes, life is like that. Sometimes, it really does hurt all over and you can’t do it. What if it’s just that you’re meant to do something else instead? Perhaps it’s just not time for this goal...yet.

I’ve juggled these pins (my mind, my body, my food, my insulin, my exercise) countless times already. They have been both my guardians and my demons over the years. I’ve cursed each and every one of them at some point. Right now, we’re all agreeing to follow a common contract- I can’t pinpoint a specific part of the puzzle that sealed the deal. I’d like to think my boys in BigBang might have been part of it. Lol! I’m just grateful and hoping we can all just keep getting along as we are for a good long while.

We each face obstacles along the way. Some return again and again. We can’t give up but we can cut ourselves some slack when a goal pulls away from our reach- when it hurts all over and we feel like dying. Life might be telling us to go somewhere else and do something else first. What might happen if we’re open to “Not...Yet”?