Thoughts on Thriving and Suffering Behind Walls

In my book, Dear Teachers, I wrote the following essay focusing on the walls students construct. I felt the need to look at it again today in regards to the everyday living of all people. You, me...everyone.
 

"April- Week 34- The Heart Within

“No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.”
- Nathaniel Hawthorne

Faces are walls. Barricades. Facades.

We all build them from time to time and to varying degrees. It feels safer to hide.

Some of the students we meet have epic skills in this, honed by years of experience. It is perhaps the teacher’s most challenging task to massage these walls and tease out the mortar and stones that have been used from abject need. We all want to survive; for many, a constructed face is an effective, if crude, way to do that. We do it as field triage in moments of hardship and necessity. Unfortunately, it’s a pattern of behavior that can be carried into and throughout adulthood, affecting all facets of our lives along the way.

If we hide long enough, the act becomes the actor’s reality. The effective cocoon clasped so tightly around the genuine heart may eventually suffocate the very thing we sought to protect in the first place. We are then left a weakened shell, like an oak whose heartwood has been consumed.

That authentic heart is the unique and golden center of Self. It deserves the freedom to feel the sun’s full warmth."

After the essay, I ask the reader to consider what is at their heart and what sorts of walls have they put up. As part of my book follow-up that I did over the course of last school year, I wrote this essay in reflection, entitled The Heart Within:

"I just finished writing a big essay on my main blog, called Spring and the Death of Denial. It was in response to a fantastic conversation on a philosophical radio program called On Being. Now, I’m hopping back into Dear Teachers, and am struck by how this week’s essay, the last of the April focus on what’s really there, connects to that.

When we don’t want people to see who and what we really are, we throw up defenses. When we don’t trust the people that surround us, we again build barriers. Within those walls, we are one thing. Outside of those walls, we are something else.

To grow, we first have to admit the walls exist within all of us. They come from our families and traditions. From our own pasts. From our own needs. From our own fears.

In this week’s essay, the image from Marlene that I chose was a close-up of a lily in full bloom. The center of that flower is bright yellow, while the outer edges are a deep red, trimmed in that same golden hue. We don’t get to see the full complexity of that bloom until it really opens up. How can we get ourselves blooming like that? How can we get each one of our students to bloom like that?

The walls that separate us from both our true selves and from each other have to come down.

I wrote, “If we hide long enough, the act becomes the actor’s reality.”. By that I meant that every single one of us is affected by all these walls we build. If I don’t reach out beyond the walls I was born into or have built myself, I miss out on understanding the real beauty of both myself and others. Others miss out on my gifts. We both are lessened. We’re like the bud in the background of Marlene’s shot: there, but not yet gorgeously exposed.

As Rev. williams pointed out in her talk, this work is hard. Sitting with who and what we really are is tough. But, in my mind, it’s critical to getting our world’s garden to really bloom."

The Nathaniel Hawthorne quote claims that no one can truly lie to themselves to the very end. From our perspective, some people appear to never sway from their own sense of reality, safely encapsulated within their constructed fortresses. I find solace in Rev. angel Williams kyoto’s thoughts that even the “winners” in unfair situations are suffering from the very systems they’ve benefited from and cultivated. Those behind castle walls are not truly free. I can see such truth, if begrudgingly, in that.

My thoughts and writing here came from a hopeful opinion that we all start from a child-like, wonder-filled place. It’s what we face from madly ego-driven minds that damages and alienates us. If society is set up to support the child-like spirit, the need for walls will get less and less. If we set things up to allow all hearts to bloom, we will all benefit.

To reach a place where the child-like can thrive will require extremely hard work. Some have begun, and the tools are out there for all to pick up.

6 Choices to Improve our Speech Game

As I’m always going on about how we need each other, and how I insist that we’re stronger together, I thought it was time that I examine 6 specific choices we can make that will allow this to happen. I’m interested in physical and mental health care, education and k-pop. I believe this actions can help in all these arenas- and beyond.

 PLEASE NOTE: If you want to just skip the reading, scroll down to the awesome video from Teaching Tolerance on Countering Online Hate Speech.

1. Believe everyone deserves space to speak.

Whatever your size, shape, skin tone, sex, sexual orientation or preferences, religion, political opinions, ethnicity- you name it: you deserve a space to speak. We may not agree with each other, but we both deserve the opportunity to state our cases. If we follow the other ideas I list below, we should be able to coexist. We may get along life BFFs. We may choose to disagree and have little to do with each other. Or, we may choose to see where we can work together despite our differences. Whatever the case, neither of us should try to silence the other.

2. Acknowledge everyone deserves space to be.

Ever want to just run away from it all and hide? Believe that you deserve the space you’re in. Breathe in that fact and exhale the fear and/or anger talking. Ever feel like that other person should just go and die? Believe that they deserve the space they’re in just as much. Breathe in that truth and exhale the fear and/or anger talking. You and that “other” person are both human beings. As bystanders, if we see someone trying to silence another, we should calmly and directly say, “I think __ has the right to their opinion and I think what you’re saying is hurtful/sexist/etc.”. If we see someone run in fear, we should calmly and directly say, “I think you have the right to your opinion. I told them I think what they said was hurtful/racist/etc.”.

3. Think and speak with “we” in mind.

No one likes to be looked down upon. We should talk in ways that keep us looking at each other eye-to-eye. You may not believe it, but the way we say things affects how others take in what we say. Choices like “You people need to…” and “You women should just…” kill respect, light fuses and try to place the speaker as someone high up in a fortress, looking down on those they are addressing. Switching it around to “I think we could…” or “I disagree with that opinion…” will still get our point across. I used both “you” and “I/we” in this paragraph. Which sentences made you feel more more relaxed or more defensive?

4. Choose to meet face-to-face.

 I’m really tired of the phrase “keyboard warrior”. As I’m exploring in my book for those with type 1 diabetes, the term “warrior” does not need to mean a vicious, cut-throat and cloaked vigilant. It’s true that we can do/say things behind the anonymity of a screen that we might not do in public. That’s why meeting with and talking with people directly is vital to our humanity. The students behind the March for Our Lives are doing this over the summer, with their cross-country bus tour Road to Change. Coffee shops, concerts, conventions- even video conferencing like VLive or on our phones- anywhere were we see and hear each other in real-time can build our connections with others, helping us see the other points I’ve outlined so far. The keyboard time can be turned toward building those relationships, too, so we become warriors standing in solidarity against hardships and things, not each other.

5. Understand that opinions are biases, not facts.

I’ve emphasized “opinion” here, because what we think and feel cause most of our wild behaviors. What about facts? Facts can be used as weapons to stoke opinions. I’m reminded of the amazing reply that Adam Savage gave to the question, “What’s your biggest science no-no?”. His reply: “Bias.”. Facts shouldn’t be affected our attitudes; at their root, they simply are what they are. It’s vital to look at facts calmly and ask ourselves what is the exact truth involved, and what is what we feel or wish. I can say, “---- are kings!” and cite data to support. The data are facts proving some relative influence in the world, but my original statement is purely biased opinion. I can say, “Politicians are killing people with T1D” and cite data on insulin prices. The prices are facts but my original statement is simply my opinion to get my point across that we as a country need to look at health care. We should clearly label each other’s and our own biased opinions.

6. Instead of seeking a victory, practice forgiving. Or at least, forgetting.

When we feel attacked, our instinct can be to retaliate or run. When we read something that ticks us off, our knee jerk reaction might be to “put that person in their place”. Even when we reach out to defend someone in need, we need to remember these other points I’ve outlined and not seek another’s annihilation. Hurting others keeps that destructive cycle going and should not be an used- even if we feel justified and tempted to use it in the defense of someone else.

Forgiveness. If we can’t manage that, let’s choose forgetting and calmly walking away. Those options remind us that we all make mistakes and there’s hope for eventual change. They remind that we all have baggage. That none of us is superior to another. That no one is a lost cause and we can all someday, somewhere, help someone out and do something good.

We’re never going to eliminate all the negatives in humanity. But we can reduce their influence by the choices we make every day. As in parenting, kickback from those soaked in these destructive behaviors will occur when we begin. However, if we persist, support and work together, we can make positive changes.

Helpful links from Teaching Tolerance:

Teaching Tolerance Countering Online Hate Speech This is a great video with specific examples and sample responses to use when we encounter hate speech online.

How Does "Fake" News Become News? This is a light-hearted but informational video detailing how confirmation bias and filter bubbles affect what information we tend to believe and spread. If your social media are negative, you have built it that way. With help from this video, you can change it, too!

New Superheroes & New Generations

I immediately fell for “Anpanman” on BTS’s newest album, Love Yourself: Tear. The rhythm is incredibly infectious and the layers of vocals, including a luring synth-modified V for the Intro, pull you right in. In typical BTS fashion, though, once I dug into the lyrics, a whole new attraction arose. I used and thank colorcodedlyrics.com for their translations.

I did not know of the Anpanman superhero and his world before this song. He was introduced in 1973 in a Japanese picture book by Takashi Yanase, who worked on Anpanman until his death in 2013. The franchise has spread across Asia for 45 years, becoming extremely popular in both merchandising and publications, including manga, a comic strip, and a long-running TV show.

Music enjoyment was impacted this week by another mass shooting and killing spree in a high school in the United States. We crave solutions. I think there are 4 lessons in this song that we can use to help construct a more positive future that might make conditions less ripe for horrific situations such as this.

1. We have a personal responsibility to help each other.

Suga sings:

I don’t know
But I have to do this, Mom
Who can it be if it’s not me?
You can call me say Anpan

Anpanman is quite a the odd character. BTS members have historically described their own awkwardness in detail. Yet, they persisted.  As they have risen in fame, their advocacy has spread beyond themselves and surroundings to others. They firmly believe that the more one has, the more one should give.

That attitude of servitude needs to spread.

2. We must work with what we have and give it freely.

J-Hope sings:

I don’t have biceps or pecs*
I don’t have a super car like Batman
It was my dream to become a hero
But the only thing I can give you is Anpan

Anpan is a Japanese jam-filled bun. Anpanman fed children using his head, which is an anpan. Not the most glamorous of superpowers, but what’s more basic and vital than keeping people well-fed? Many of the characters in his world had connections with food and I like the symbolism of that: the importance of feeding each other with helpful things. BTS live who they are- they give what they have. That’s a healthy view of life.

Whether with food, advice, or moral support, we should feed one another well.

3. It’s going to be tough and we’ll fail.

Jungkook and Jimin sing:

But still, even if I have to use all my strength
I will stay by your side
Though I’ll fall again
Though I’ll make mistakes again
Though I’ll fall into a mud pit again
Trust me, because I’m a hero

I love that BTS admits we’ll screw up. We will ALWAYS fail along the way- the only way to avoid failure is to do nothing. To blame other people. We see this type of behavior pattern so much today and it has to stop. We must try. Accept temporary setbacks. And try again. Together.

That is the true mark of a real superhero.

4. New voices and songs can accomplish much.

RM and Suga close out the song singing this:

I’m a new generation Anpanman
I’m a new superhero Anpanman
What I have is this song here
Lemme say “All the bad men, cop out”

We all carry a song of some kind. I hear similar messages echoed in voices, like Cameron Kasky, that rose to prominence after the Parkland shootings. To me, the young people like Naomi Wadler, who stood up at the podiums during the March for Our Lives, said things similar to what BTS is declaring. I hear the same intent in the actions of people like James Shaw Jr.. It doesn’t matter what skills we have or don’t have or our age. It just matters that we will work together to force the bad attitudes, behaviors and ways to stop controlling things.

I, for one, welcome the new superheroes and generations.


*Translation note: This line is a perfect example of why we need translations from those who really understand the languages involved. As a basic learner of Korean, I can't see how this line translates to this. I see it as saying something like, "I don't have an awesome cape". I'll go with the biceps and pecs interpretations, although as was seen on the BBMAs, BTS definitely has pecs. 

I Don't Want to Write My Next Book

I don’t want to write my next book.

I’m not talking about Dear Warriors. That book is moving along in amazingly cool ways. (I could use more art by those with type 1 diabetes, though! More info on my Dear Warriors blog. Deadline for that is July 31.)

I’m looking ahead to my future in writing, based on how I've changed.

I’ve already seen my concepts and direction evolve from 2017’s Dear Teachers. In that, I took 40 nature scenes by my good friend and awesome hobby photographer, Marlene Oswald, and built a story that I hoped would inspire and support all those hard-working teachers out there. I had several people comment that, to them, it spoke to anyone with children or anyone in the field of education.

That sense of “universality” flavored my thinking as Dear Warriors began and fledged. Dear Warriors was originally to be focused on boosting those of us with type 1 diabetes. As I began writing, I realized it also had to be for all the people related to those with T1D. Then, I saw so many connections, I had to explore the dots between people with T1D and all of humanity...and vice versa. We need each other. We can’t do this alone, and in fact, we are not.

Unlike Dear Teachers, I began developing the texts within Dear Warriors before I had visuals. From the beginning, I wanted multiple contributors from the T1D community. I wanted randomness and decided I’d work with what the creators who gave me a chance submitted. As pieces have come in, I’ve been struck by how well they fold into the narrative that I had sketched out. Their work is fueling my revisions and editing. When writing changes are needed, they are ones that excite me because the overall message is getting clearer and clearer. Talking with the artists and their families has been more thought-provoking, moving and inspiring than I had even hoped.

The idea that we all have a part of us that craves and benefits from other humans (let’s call it collaborative spirit) really took off in the writing and development of Dear Warriors. I’m left now wondering: how can I dive into this even more deeply?

As you’ll see in my blog biography About Me, it’s been my intention to write about a third subject: the boys we are raising today. I’m a mom of two boys, and it has bothered me to see the ways we continue to restrict this gender in so many ways, including their looks, behaviors and interests. That book idea has evolved as I’ve worked through the first two subjects on my list.

Writing about raising our “boys” feeds into the very thing I’m concerned about. It’s too binary. What I really want to explore is the ways we can and should raise our children. There should be more universality- some broader umbrellas. How can I do that in a collaborative way?

What if I could work with some children themselves and help them write and illustrate their own book about themselves? Using my book series verbiage, I’m picturing something like this:

Dear Us:
A student-led guided journal to support & inspire youth and our adult allies.

What if I found a school that will let me get an entire student body to express themselves in terms of their bodies, minds and spirits? What could I learn about, and show to them, myself and the world, what they really experience, want and hope for? How could the students use one another's’ work (art and writing) to build their own expressions on these subjects?

Kids writing books is not a new concept by any means. Teachers have been having their students create books forever. The underlying purpose of this one, though, would be to see if the children could, as a whole, express what I’d hoped to explore on my own. What do they really want? What do they really see and feel? What brings them joy? What do they love and hate? What do they long for? What ideas might they have to make their lives, and other people’s lives, better? How do they relate to one another? How do they want to?

If you know of someone who’d be willing to explore this idea, let me know! I’m picturing this as a school year-long project, at the very least. Ideally, I’d like to be hired on where I could develop relationships with students and staff to create an overall framework before getting the students creating and building their book with their messages.

I don’t want to write my next book- I want to help other voices write one that they can call their own. Perhaps from there, I might find a path to yet another work of my own.

Spring and the Death of Denial

It was one of the first nice days of spring yesterday, sunny and dry. My intentions were to rake a section of my back yard clean of winter’s deaths and cut out the skeletons of last year’s perennials, to allow room for the new year’s growth. I decided to also listen to a recent episode of On Being, and picked Krista Tippett’s conversation with Zen priest angel Kyodo williams, entitled The World is our Field of Practice.

That decision took my morning to a whole other realm of clean-up and growth.

I’ve been participating in a book club on Twitter, #ClearTheAir, led by @ValeriaBrownEdu, covering Richard Rothstein’s detailed and therefore painful, history of the systemic ways, from federal to local, that segregation has been cultivated in the United States. The Color of Law has brought out a slew of emotions and responses from participants, including me. It leaves one slipping into despair about half-way through.

The first death of denial: Are we doomed or is there hope?

I was heartened when the On Being talk lead with this quote from Rev. williams:

“There is something dying in our society, in our culture, and there’s something dying in us individually. And what is dying, I think, is the willingness to be in denial. And that is extraordinary. It’s always been happening, and when it happens in enough of us, in a short enough period of time at the same time, then you have a tipping point, and the culture begins to shift. And then, what I feel like people are at now is, “No, no, bring it on. I have to face it — we have to face it.””

I’ve felt this occasionally in recent years. Little jolts. But I’ve also had some people, even close family, laugh at me when I’ve said, “I don’t know, I think there’s something out there brewing! I think something’s growing and we’re not going back!” There’s a huge amount of skepticism.

The second death of denial: Change versus transformation

Rev. williams goes on to say, 

“We cannot have a healed society, we cannot have change, we cannot have justice, if we do not reclaim and repair the human spirit.”

Repairing that human spirit involves work- work on radically evolving both our inner selves and the systems we use today, which oppress large numbers of people. Capitalism. Patriarchy. White supremacy. The work must be transformational and not just change, Rev. Williams points out. Change-only could lead to simply replacing one system that doesn’t see every person as a human with another kind.

A healed society will no longer deny the humanity of any member. This reminded me of some of the most moving and transformative thoughts I’ve heard from survivors of The Holocaust. It speaks of the concept of restorative justice. This is the hardest part of this message to accept.

At face value, it’s not something that someone who’s been suffering wants to hear. Whatever our cause is: skin color, health care, sex, sexual orientation, religion, environment etc. We want justice. We embrace the “angry activist” lifestyle to change things. That can become a trap, too. That activist mindset does move us forward- it shakes things up. From that mindset, however, another group soon loses their human spirit and humanity. We also need to step beyond activism, to being open to the idea that everything and everyone is incomplete and suffering. That relates to grace.

Spring: Grace and fearlessness

Rev. williams described how the reaction of a person looking at the history of race in the United States should be one of: 

“”How extraordinary that black people, in particular — indigenous people, as well — could live the lives of dignity that they have chosen for themselves in the face of the onslaught of what this country’s history has been and continues to be and continues to put upon them.” So grace, I think, is a gift that black peoples have inhabited for a great deal of time.”

People rise above retribution. When I think of all the groups who have been targets of abuse by controlling organizations of people, both here and elsewhere around the globe, it’s something that leaves me in wonder and awe of the human spirit. That positive energy does not die out completely. It survives with fearless determination to bloom when it senses spring.

Rev. williams embraces the idea of fearlessness and believes it is a bold statement of defiance, saying people of African descent are expected to not be fearless. To be scared. The concrete evidence in The Color of Law confirms that. Fear, to me, is the big tool used by aggressors on both their targets and anyone who might step in to become allies of those targets. The bully, the victim and those on the sidelines. The bully relies on believing everyone else is “Other” and lacks a connection to them in the human spirit. If we decide to stay within our own protective barricades because of fear, I think we do lose it. We’re less human when we decide to simply save ourselves. Coming together makes us more.

This conversation was invigorating, like the fresh spring breezes and the sweat I felt as I worked. It cleansed me and planted fresh ideas to explore. I can’t do this conversation full justice here on this blog- I highly recommend listening to it in its entirely and simply seeing how it speaks to you and your experiences.

Reverend angel Kyodo williams is the founder of the Center for Transformative Change in Berkeley, California. She’s the author of Being Black: Zen and the Art of Living With Fearlessness and Grace and Radical Dharma: Talking Race, Love, and Liberation.