Enduring Our Daily Deaths

"The sharpest lesson of life is that we outlast so much—even ourselves—so that one, looking back, might say, ‘When I died the first time….’”

    -- Jessie Benton Fremont on endurance in the face of adversity, 1878

NPR’s Steve Inskeep posted this quote on Twitter this week and it resonated with what has been brewing in my own mind. I’m going to apologize ahead of time. This essay isn’t going to be upbeat. I have some seriously dark thoughts I need to process. They have to do with enduring things- why we want to, and sometimes, why we do not.

I confess I did not know of Jessie Benton Fremont and had to look her up. She lived through the American Civil War and, according to MrLincolnsWhiteHouse.org, was a political force to be reckoned with, as well as an author in her own right. Mr. Inskeep has given me another life to explore.

Although not pleasant, I can agree with this quote’s point that life is a series of deaths. We lose our youthful dreams of Santa, superheroes or magic. For homeless children, the expectation of a warm bed at night is a mirage. Many, young or old, lose the belief in love given or received. Dreams of marriage many times end in painful divorce or long-suffering unions. Careers are imagined and prepared for and while they may be begun in nervous anticipation (if one is lucky enough to be hired in the first place), many soon find themselves mired in the realities of confusing mandates, office politics, excessive or inappropriate expectations, reorganizations or downsizings.

It’s not all gloom and doom. I’ve written repeatedly of the incredible beauty we can find in life, even in tiny things. A song can uplift and inspire, as I wrote in Frisson: A Crossroad of Body, Mind & Spirit. When we have children in our lives, we can actually re-live and enjoy some of those things that may have died for us years before. Or, if we have passions we’re able to follow, we can feel immense satisfaction and joy in their pursuit.

It doesn’t have to all be about deaths. But…

The initial inspiration for this whole essay was a discussion at home where my husband wondered why companies let people go due to budgets but then in the same year, invest in a long list of things like automatic defibrillators and the training to use them. Our kids remarked that they thought the machines are required and they themselves had the school ones reviewed with them at school.

The thought of someone automatically bringing me back to life if I collapse in public didn’t fill me with reassurance as I thought it would, or should. Especially when I see so many people struggling to get by. While there are many things I enjoy and would like to continue enjoying, do I want to be brought back if my body stumbles? I wondered.

I don’t think I’m alone in this doubt. We’re eager to live when we feel valued. When we feel safe. When we feel like we matter. We never want to leave a party if we’re the life of it, right? On the flip side, if we’re at an event and it’s obvious that we don’t fit in and people are shying away from us, we’ll find any excuse to slip out. If we feel like a burden or a failure, we shrink away. I look at my life and world and I wonder. Is this party for me?

We outlast so much- even ourselves.

Being our own worst enemy- that’s what I think this part is reminding us. I see so much of this in both myself and the world. My grumblings here may be a case in point. I know I’ve made bad decisions for myself over the years and that we all have done so in a broader sense. I and we have survived until now, despite our efforts.

It can be really depressing. It can all seem impossible. I wrote about that reality, too. In Regret: A Look Back, I focused on another person’s struggles with those feelings, which led to suicide. From that piece, I am reminded of an answer.

What can we do? Endure...and connect.

Hang on and reach out. When we feel down, something outside of us can lift us up. That means we have to be there for each other. Let’s have hearts, eyes and ears open to receive those messages, as well. As the picture and quote I chose for this essay indicate, we can bloom if we endure the tyrant- whatever or whoever that may be. I have to sit with those directions, myself. I need that reminder to sink in.

So, here’s me reaching out in one way. Who do you turn to to pull you through the deaths you face in your days? What writings, people or general things convince you to keep going- to outlast the onslaught?

Share them. Here. With friends. With neighbors. We can all use resources. They can help connect us. That could go a long way in reducing the adversity we feel, and therefore increasing our ability to endure, as we move forward.

Together.

Regret: A Look Back

I wrote Never Regret a Smile a little over a year ago: November 30, 2016. My format and writing style have evolved a bit from even that long ago. My opinions have only strengthened.

The kpop community is reeling today with the news of SHINee lead singer, Kim Jong-hyun's, suicide. At a personal level, it’s reminding me of all the self-inflicted or otherwise untimely deaths I’ve seen through the years, back to the suicide of a former classmate in my college days. The wrenching sadness, loss and regret can never be forgotten entirely.

There it is: regret.

I wrote in Never Regret a Smile that we should base our lives on joy, happiness and wonder. If someone dies young doing that, we can at least have that condolence as we grieve. If someone dies young and we see they were clearly not experiencing joy, happiness and wonder, the knife twists in our own guts more keenly. Why? Because we know we failed them at some level.

People don’t intentionally kill themselves when they are happy.

Never Regret a Smile came from the perspective of self: don’t be afraid to enjoy something that others might think of as silly. From the perspective of other, it takes on a whole new meaning:

You’ll never regret offering someone else compassion in the form of a smile.

Maybe it’s not a face-to-face smile. Maybe it’s a card or encouraging meme. Maybe it’s a hug- real or emoji. Maybe it’s holding a door open. Maybe it’s a grateful tweet to someone who said something you appreciated on Twitter. Maybe it’s a totally random positive you voice somewhere, that someone who needs it takes in by chance.

Some people fly high and far. Most of us don’t, but we still do have a circle of influence that we control. Many of us teeter on the edge at some point or another and just need a helpful hand.

We can all be a helpful hand.

I wrote all of this before watching the video Dr. Pooky Knightsmith just posted on Youtube called 5 things it's helpful to know if your friend is depressed. I am not and cannot make any connections between Kim Jung-hyun and any diagnosis of any kind. Dr. Knightsmith is a knowledgeable expert in the field of mental health and I am simply offering her as someone I feel has some great general tips any of us can practice. Just as I’ve stated here, Dr. Knightsmith says at the end of this video, “It’s sometimes the small things that make a big difference.”.

Small things. Like smiles.

Never Regret a Smile

I’m middle-aged and just now discovering what that might mean.

I’m not talking about wrinkles or stress or looming AARP mailers. I’m talking about regret. Why do we have stereotypes of freakouts during this time in our lives? If nothing more, it could be for the simple reason that our bodies are innately trying to do what we should be doing all along: regret nothing.

Sure, getting older means you know things. Your confidence grows as your experience lengthens. However, I’m becoming convinced that your middle-aged body's influx of energy is nature's way of trying, in a last-ditch effort perhaps, to get you back into a constructive mindset of growth and exploration: one based in joy, happiness and wonder.

If you can couple that mindset in a healthy way with the wisdom you’ve accrued, what revelations await? It doesn't have to simply result in a frivolous car purchase or destructive relationship choice.

Working as an assistant in an elementary school perhaps helped me begin to regain access to this more youthful perspective on the world where things are more fluid and potentials unchecked. Taking on the persona of a rogue in the classic MMORPG World of Warcraft back in my 30s, then diving into Japanese anime like Bleach and Attack on Titan and now enjoying Korean dramas such as this year’s Signal, W and Another Oh Hae-young and Korean pop like BTS’s I Need U- I've been reminded over and over to just loosen up and look at things differently. To not give in or up or simply endure but to enjoy what I'm doing and not regret it.

Basing your daily activities around the goal of simply experiencing them fully can make you truly appreciate all that you have right around you more intimately. It also reminds you that life is basically pretty good and can be made better by every one of your choices.

My biggest hope today is we all find a moment where we smile with pleasure and regret it not a whit.