Enduring Our Daily Deaths

"The sharpest lesson of life is that we outlast so much—even ourselves—so that one, looking back, might say, ‘When I died the first time….’”

    -- Jessie Benton Fremont on endurance in the face of adversity, 1878

NPR’s Steve Inskeep posted this quote on Twitter this week and it resonated with what has been brewing in my own mind. I’m going to apologize ahead of time. This essay isn’t going to be upbeat. I have some seriously dark thoughts I need to process. They have to do with enduring things- why we want to, and sometimes, why we do not.

I confess I did not know of Jessie Benton Fremont and had to look her up. She lived through the American Civil War and, according to MrLincolnsWhiteHouse.org, was a political force to be reckoned with, as well as an author in her own right. Mr. Inskeep has given me another life to explore.

Although not pleasant, I can agree with this quote’s point that life is a series of deaths. We lose our youthful dreams of Santa, superheroes or magic. For homeless children, the expectation of a warm bed at night is a mirage. Many, young or old, lose the belief in love given or received. Dreams of marriage many times end in painful divorce or long-suffering unions. Careers are imagined and prepared for and while they may be begun in nervous anticipation (if one is lucky enough to be hired in the first place), many soon find themselves mired in the realities of confusing mandates, office politics, excessive or inappropriate expectations, reorganizations or downsizings.

It’s not all gloom and doom. I’ve written repeatedly of the incredible beauty we can find in life, even in tiny things. A song can uplift and inspire, as I wrote in Frisson: A Crossroad of Body, Mind & Spirit. When we have children in our lives, we can actually re-live and enjoy some of those things that may have died for us years before. Or, if we have passions we’re able to follow, we can feel immense satisfaction and joy in their pursuit.

It doesn’t have to all be about deaths. But…

The initial inspiration for this whole essay was a discussion at home where my husband wondered why companies let people go due to budgets but then in the same year, invest in a long list of things like automatic defibrillators and the training to use them. Our kids remarked that they thought the machines are required and they themselves had the school ones reviewed with them at school.

The thought of someone automatically bringing me back to life if I collapse in public didn’t fill me with reassurance as I thought it would, or should. Especially when I see so many people struggling to get by. While there are many things I enjoy and would like to continue enjoying, do I want to be brought back if my body stumbles? I wondered.

I don’t think I’m alone in this doubt. We’re eager to live when we feel valued. When we feel safe. When we feel like we matter. We never want to leave a party if we’re the life of it, right? On the flip side, if we’re at an event and it’s obvious that we don’t fit in and people are shying away from us, we’ll find any excuse to slip out. If we feel like a burden or a failure, we shrink away. I look at my life and world and I wonder. Is this party for me?

We outlast so much- even ourselves.

Being our own worst enemy- that’s what I think this part is reminding us. I see so much of this in both myself and the world. My grumblings here may be a case in point. I know I’ve made bad decisions for myself over the years and that we all have done so in a broader sense. I and we have survived until now, despite our efforts.

It can be really depressing. It can all seem impossible. I wrote about that reality, too. In Regret: A Look Back, I focused on another person’s struggles with those feelings, which led to suicide. From that piece, I am reminded of an answer.

What can we do? Endure...and connect.

Hang on and reach out. When we feel down, something outside of us can lift us up. That means we have to be there for each other. Let’s have hearts, eyes and ears open to receive those messages, as well. As the picture and quote I chose for this essay indicate, we can bloom if we endure the tyrant- whatever or whoever that may be. I have to sit with those directions, myself. I need that reminder to sink in.

So, here’s me reaching out in one way. Who do you turn to to pull you through the deaths you face in your days? What writings, people or general things convince you to keep going- to outlast the onslaught?

Share them. Here. With friends. With neighbors. We can all use resources. They can help connect us. That could go a long way in reducing the adversity we feel, and therefore increasing our ability to endure, as we move forward.

Together.

Personal and Public Ikigai in the United States

What drives you?

This concept of ikigai (translated as “life-value”) has been on my mind recently. It can be thought of as one’s reason to get up in the morning. It’s where we find value and purpose. It can be expressed visually in the diagram here, produced by the Toronto Star. Right at the center of 4 key concepts lies our ikigai.

That which you are good at.

That which you love.

That which the world needs.

That which you can get paid for.

I’d like to consider how I think our own culture embraces this idea and ways it does not...yet.

That which you are good at.

Do we DO what we WANT to do or what we think we SHOULD do? My oldest sister passed away recently. At face value, she didn’t have much. She relied on social services and eked out a living many others would find difficult. However, she was very content with her decisions and I am so glad and grateful to learn this.

She raised her son, encouraging him to explore and get messy at times. She worked with and taught children for a number of years, focusing on the children’s interests and abilities and sharing her own style. She designed and worked in elaborate Halloween displays that many enjoyed. Later, she found value in volunteering at her nursing home. She built things. She helped other residents. She befriended many people over her 69 year lifetime, letting her spirit be what it wanted to be. It was a beautiful thing. People will remember her, for sure.

That which you love.

I absolutely love to write. I’ve been focused almost exclusively on nonfiction essays for the last couple of years, but I have many stories in my mind that I play around with when I have time. Writing this blog has been scary but so enjoyable. Talking with people about writing ideas and researching possible topics have eaten up many enjoyable hours. It has all allowed me to grow in terms of knowing myself and understanding the world more clearly. I feel driven to share my discoveries and remaining questions. I am so glad and grateful that I’ve had the opportunity to do and feel this.

There’s the rub. How many people have this kind of opportunity? Many people are forced to operate with only one goal: survival. Why? We need to consider what our systems encourage.

That which the world needs.

Do we feel safe enough and encouraged to do what the world needs? The recent scandal involving youtuber Logan Paul’s disgusting choices of behavior while in Japan demonstrate a response to what the world WANTS. He did what he did because he’s been trained to get paid for his destructive behaviors. There are many other examples today.

The world needs small-town people like my sister. We also need big-picture inspirers. The world needs risk-takers and connectors. It needs spirits that question and pose challenges to do and be more. It needs positive, perhaps offbeat humor and humble caring. Do we encourage these types of behavior? I don’t think so. Many want to cling to the status quo. Many are scared to stand out. Many cluster in homogeneous groups, finding the safety of anonymity a better choice than trying to do or be something else.

The Logan Paul example leads to the last part of ikigai. Along with seeking to behave in ways the world needs, we as a group must also financially incentivize what the world needs, not what it wants.

That which you can get paid for.

The unemployment rate may be really low, but when an announcement by Walmart boosting they will raise their base pay to $11 an hour is followed immediately by news that their subsidiary, Sam’s Clubs, is closing several stores, one is left wondering about the worth of that statistic. As reported January 11 in the Patch article Sam's Club Abruptly Close Wisconsin Stores, “After a thorough review of our existing portfolio, we've decided to close a series of clubs and better align our locations with our strategy." This appears to be another example of a corporation adjusting their strategies to maximize profits, despite the billions of tax cuts (on top of billions of earnings previously reported) they have just received from the current administration.

Capitalism does not need to be like this. Even some millionaires have stated they want things to be different, as reported by The Hill in November 2017. Corporations are products of people’s work. If the people work from a mindset of moderation and for the benefit of all customers (fellow people), laws and behaviors will evolve accordingly.

This concept of life-value is already deeply ingrained in our world.

The United States Declaration of Independence describes 3 inalienable rights (rights we are unable to give up, even if we’d want to). Today, we have advanced enough (or should have) so that document’s definition of “Man” now truly includes EVERYONE. Not surprisingly, all of these rights support this notion of ikigai, or life-value:

Life: That which you can get paid for. That which the world needs.

Liberty: That which you are good at. That which the world needs.

The Pursuit of Happiness: That which you love. That which the world needs.

Please note that the ikigai concept of “That which the world needs” applies to all 3 parts of our inalienable rights. Why? Because we have both a personal and public side to our 3 rights. For example, if I love to write, I have an obligation to the world to write something that will help and not harm the world.

We ALL have the right to have a life we value and which is valued by a bigger whole. If we can get closer to living the 4 statements I started this essay with, it is possible for more and more people. I repeat: it’s hard, but not impossible. We must ask ourselves what are steps we can take today and moving forward to help us get there.